I'm thinking too much.
Am I alone here?
My girlfriend tells me I think too much and dig in the same thought over and over. She is definitely right. Last night I did that again. I did something and it was not too serious but I felt like i disappointed her. She said it was ok and that she doesn't really mind. Again I started asking her if she was sure about it. Then she started getting impatient and annoyed.
"I'm not mad at what happened, it annoys me that you make such a big deal out of it" she told me.
She was right. Me making a big deal of it was the thing that might have caused it to happen again.
I still wasn't sure though.. What if she was disappointed, I didn't want to ask her again to get her upset. I kept think this through over and over again. Reliving the scene and imagining the worst case scenarios that could have happened as a result. Eventually she got quiet and fell into dreaming and I was the one that had trouble falling asleep.
Imagining the worst that could happen because of a minor incident- That was one of my traits, built upon years of low self esteem that was no longer there but still left footprints.
She told me once to lay down, concentrate on my breathing and relax. I have done some meditation before but any event that was somehow significant in my life kept me from doing this. I tried it again and thoughts started flooding me like a swarm. Worries and fears, most of them ridiculously exaggerated. I started feeling nauseous.
I tried to calm myself down but stopping the flow of thoughts was like getting out of an endless maze. Can you stop thinking? If so can you stop worrying? If you try to stop thinking wouldn't you start thinking about trying not to think? Or about not to worry?
My life was at it's peak during the past two months, when my social status reached it's best. I became surrounded by friends and started dating an amazing girl.
But let me tell you some more about me-
One year ago my life was on the edge of desperation. I had almost zero experience with girls and not many friends. This led to frustration and disappointment, but worse than that, it led to the lack of confidence that was needed to improve my social life. It was an endless loop- my lack of confidence resulted in lack of friends which in turn led to even less confidence... How do you break that loop?
Well apparently it is possible.. Because I did it. There was no easy way, I had to jump into the cold water before I learnt how to swim. I tried actively making friends, by organizing go outs and trying to get close to people. However what helped me more was brainwashing myself into believing I was really worthy. Painting and spending time in the gym helped me relax and feel better with my looks. I started reading books about philosophy and psychology and within four months I've accepted myself and started believing I was worthy, and then I ceased stopping myself from bringing good stuff into my life.
So everything was great, I can say I was truly happy for 6 months but last week something weird had happened.
How could you crash and burn like that?
After having a 3 months of sex life that could be a model of envy for many couples, in the middle of intercourse, my companion failed me. And I'm not talking about my girl. She told me it was ok, after all it happens to everyone sometime. The thing is I started getting in stress. A couple of days later I was getting there with my girl again, and in the second I thought about my previous systems failure, it fell like a stone. In one moment I lost any arousal and desire I had. And that's when I started panicking. Although the two of us have talked about it (and she was very understanding) I couldn't stop thinking about it. And every time I did so my partner just lost hope. Ouch.
She told me to just stop thinking about it. Yeah right. Could you not think of pink elephants if I asked you to?
Once again I got myself into a loop of desperation. Every time I thought of this happening made it true, and when it became true it made me fear it even more.
Bah! What did I get myself into...
אין תגובות:
הוסף רשומת תגובה