Good ol' Alcohol

Whiskey is a good friend.

Whenever I need someone who can chear me up, it's right there, one floor downstairs, in the liquor cabinet. No need to look for a friend who is willing to listen, and no need to bother them with my daily bullshit. Even better- it saves much energy that would otherwise be spent on worrying, or speaking while telling another unnecessary detail about my life. Instead, it smears an unexplained smile on my face. A different kind of friend, one that listens and talks, cannot do that. yeah after spending half hour or so they can make you "feel better" and make you feel more relaxed, but hell, they can't make you feel truly happy! Whiskey does! don't believe it? Try it! a couple of old fassion glasses, filled with some scotch or even irish that goes easier on the throat, and you feel better right away!

And then you start thinking "shit, that's the right way to becoming an alcoholic", only that doesn't help... because it sound so melancolic and dramatic. "Look what life has put me through!"... yeah right...

Like life is so hard to deal with that you have to turn to the best selling unconventional medication. Yeah, some people are in hard situations.. Some have to deal with death, broken families, wasted lives.. But I can't speak for those people.. All I do is enjoying the pathetic delight of being a victim of nothing. Right, I have went through some hard times but it's nothing compared to the shit people survive out there. And why does it seem so tempting to me? Is it the same reason depressed "Emo's" cut their veins- to damage their own bodies and feel sutisfied by it? Or is it because it seems so cool on TV when Hank Moody or any other depressed hero empties another glass, or takes another sip from his flask? Am I really so easy to influence by stupid media? Are there others like that?

Why do people tend to start smoking again at hard times? It seems that inflicting damage to themselves, ourselves, makes us more happy. Why is that?

I don't know.. and maybe I just don't wanna think about it...

Stress therapy

Taking a relationship too seriously is bad.

Yes, it is. caring too much is possible, and being a perfect boyfriend does not mean to always be caring and understanding.

Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself. No, erase that you always have to stand up for yourself. I do not mean you are supposed to never compromise, but you can't become a mop. But that's one thing, and it's probably not new to most people (easier said than done, though).

The main thing is too remember where you're at in the relationship. If you are just at the first three months, worrying to much about it would be a mistake. Right, you can love, and it's a wonderfull feeling, but forgetting that that pretty blond girl is just a part of your life, and not your whole life can make it problematic.

We broke up a coupla' weeks ago.

Long story short: it's not you it's me she said, but let's stay friends. I guess everyone has to get that line at some point. OK, I thought. At the time I guessed she really needed a break from relationships, and maybe she did. In her defence, I think that she really believed in what she said. But as time passed by I've noticed how much pressure I've put into this relationship, ironically, by acting like nothing's wrong. And then every once in a while we would slip into an occasional almost-break-up talk where usually I had to spit out nervously everything that bothered me. The thing is that I always tried to avoid bringing up stuff that could lead to a break up, even if it was not something serious, because I was so afraid to lose this relationship. 

Ironically, it was not as terrible as I thought. Yeah I was sad, and I started bringing up all the great memories I had from her, and thinking how long it should have lasted.. 

Sadly, I realized that I had to break up with her to fix what made me lose this relationship. It has not, however, made me feel regret. I knew I had to go through it to learn, as we all learn from our mistakes. I now know that I will be a different man in future relationships, a better one, and for that I thank her.

Surprisingly quick I found out that I feel much relieved. I started seing the good parts of the break up- feeling free to meet new girls, not thinking all the time about what's wrong with the relationship...

I also learnt to deal with break ups. Oh yeah, it was my first one, I have never had a relationship before, hence the obssession -I guess.

We did not stay friends as she required. I had no intent in staying available for her in case she regrets her mistake. I knew I had to move on and I did. She was mad when I told her that and tried to persuade me to stay her friend in childish ways which only made it easier for me. Within two weeks I grew so indifferent about her that it shocked me. All the feelings about this relationship started disappearing graduately. Perhaps, if I have not done those mistakes we would have parted ways anyway. Perhaps not. However it does not bug me anymore. I am, however, still wondering if we would be a matching couple if we ever get back together in the future.

Anyway, I started finding out fundamental things about myself I didn't know and realized that this break up has given me a chance to deal with them. I realized that I forgot how to enjoy hobbies and activities that have nothing to do with relationships and sex. More than that, I started focusing so much on getting sex that it started seeming like my only goal, and as such, every activity became just an effort to kill time and every failure became a bitter disapointment.

So how do I start having fun again? how do I make myself enjoy spending time painting or playing a musical instrument again? I don't know, because either of these has become really hard to do. 

Perhaps writing a blog or spending time on a friendly chat with a girl without any "malicious intents" is a good start.

Cycles and loops

I'm thinking too much.

Am I alone here?

My girlfriend tells me I think too much and dig in the same thought over and over. She is definitely right. Last night I did that again. I did something and it was not too serious but I felt like i disappointed her. She said it was ok and that she doesn't really mind. Again I started asking her if she was sure about it. Then she started getting impatient and annoyed.

"I'm not mad at what happened, it annoys me that you make such a big deal out of it" she told me.

She was right. Me making a big deal of it was the thing that might have caused it to happen again.

I still wasn't sure though.. What if she was disappointed, I didn't want to ask her again to get her upset. I kept think this through over and over again. Reliving the scene and imagining the worst case scenarios that could have happened as a result. Eventually she got quiet and fell into dreaming and I was the one that had trouble falling asleep.

Imagining the worst that could happen because of a minor incident- That was one of my traits, built upon years of low self esteem that was no longer there but still left footprints.

She told me once to lay down, concentrate on my breathing and relax. I have done some meditation before but any event that was somehow significant in my life kept me from doing this. I tried it again and thoughts started flooding me like a swarm. Worries and fears, most of them ridiculously exaggerated. I started feeling nauseous.

I tried to calm myself down but stopping the flow of thoughts was like getting out of an endless maze. Can you stop thinking? If so can you stop worrying? If you try to stop thinking wouldn't you start thinking about trying not to think? Or about not to worry?

My life was at it's peak during the past two months, when my social status reached it's best. I became surrounded by friends and started dating an amazing girl.

But let me tell you some more about me-

One year ago my life was on the edge of desperation. I had almost zero experience with girls and not many friends. This led to frustration and disappointment, but worse than that, it led to the lack of confidence that was needed to improve my social life. It was an endless loop- my lack of confidence resulted in lack of friends which in turn led to even less confidence... How do you break that loop?

Well apparently it is possible.. Because I did it. There was no easy way, I had to jump into the cold water before I learnt how to swim. I tried actively making friends, by organizing go outs and trying to get close to people. However what helped me more was brainwashing myself into believing I was really worthy. Painting and spending time in the gym helped me relax and feel better with my looks. I started reading books about philosophy and psychology and within four months I've accepted myself and started believing I was worthy, and then I ceased stopping myself from bringing good stuff into my life.

So everything was great, I can say I was truly happy for 6 months but last week something weird had happened.

How could you crash and burn like that?

After having a 3 months of sex life that could be a model of envy for many couples, in the middle of intercourse, my companion failed me. And I'm not talking about my girl. She told me it was ok, after all it happens to everyone sometime. The thing is I started getting in stress. A couple of days later I was getting there with my girl again, and in the second I thought about my previous systems failure, it fell like a stone. In one moment I lost any arousal and desire I had. And that's when I started panicking. Although the two of us have talked about it (and she was very understanding) I couldn't stop thinking about it. And every time I did so my partner just lost hope. Ouch.

She told me to just stop thinking about it. Yeah right. Could you not think of pink elephants if I asked you to?

Once again I got myself into a loop of desperation. Every time I thought of this happening made it true, and when it became true it made me fear it even more.

Bah! What did I get myself into...